“Faithful Love, Not Sacrifice”

Happy New Year! It’s hard to believe that it is once again a start to a new year. I am sorry that you have not heard from me recently as I have been waiting for good news to share. The paperwork that I need from Russia which would allow me to either get a work visa or my Russian passport reissued has not come and does not show any signs of coming any time soon due to the current conflict between America and Russia. This is not the news that I dreamed of sharing at this time of year. The process for these papers began in February of 2016 and included two trips to Washington D.C., and a 30-day trip to Russia. There are currently two lawyers who are working on my behalf in Moscow and my birth city, Krasnodar. They are both optimistic, but I have realized that I cannot continue to put my life on “hold” and simply wait for news.

While I was in Russia, I was able to travel to my birth city, Krasnodar, to search for legal documents that only I could access. I was also able to spend a large amount of time teaching my students at Hinkson Christian Academy! The 4th grade class has 5 boys and 4 girls who are all incredibly smart and competitive.  Words can’t describe the feeling I experienced when finally teaching these students! There was never a dull moment as I found myself sometimes using American slang that they did not understand. This, of course, would lead to a lengthy discussion of various examples of how to use a term or phrase appropriately.  The Russian that I did learn while in Russia was taught to me by my own students, who loved informing me of the Russian word for just about anything.

Although I want more than anything to get back to my class, I have done all that I can.  I am now searching for a teaching job for this spring in the U.S.  I have applied to many schools around the Fremont, Michigan area and will continue to search.  In a few weeks, I will be taking the Michigan State Teaching Certification Test for elementary education. Please pray that I prepare well and pass the test. This will open up many more opportunities for me here in Michigan.

In closing, I wanted to share with you something that God has placed heavy on my heart. I do most of my devotions through an app called “She Reads Truth.” It is an application on my phone that allows me to pick a book of the Bible to read through with an included short Bible Study.  Out of twenty or thirty choices, I recently picked the book of Hosea to read through. As I was thinking of what to write in this letter, I began to feel anxious. I started to think that my life was boring or that I was not really serving God because I wasn’t in Russia teaching. All these thoughts were overwhelming me but at that moment, my phone reminded me that it was “Time to Read Truth!”  I wasn’t in the mood to read but opened it up and started.

The study for the day was on Hosea 6 and titled “Faithful Love, Not Sacrifice.”  The big question of the devotional was, “Can we be faithful to God in the ordinary, or do we have to do ‘big things’ for God for our faith to be legitimate?”  I was so caught up in my thoughts of “I’m not doing big things! I’m sitting around in Fremont, Michigan, instead of serving God in a different country. I’m surrounded by family and am not experiencing anything hard like I would in Russia!” God knew these thoughts and reminded me through His word by saying, “For I desire faithful love and not sacrifice.” (Hosea 6:6)

I find sacrifices easier than quiet faithfulness. It’s easier for me to dream of living in a different country than to actually live a quiet, largely unknown, completely unflashy, but faithful life. God doesn’t ask me to make a big sacrifice, but instead to be loyal and faithful even when it doesn’t make for the greatest update blogpost.  I serve a God who is in control of my papers in Russia. He isn’t surprised or disappointed that I am not in Moscow. He seeks my faithfulness. That faithfulness may lead me to Moscow, or it could lead me to the Ukraine or somewhere else, but He isn’t just interested in what I sacrifice or what I dream of sacrificing. He is really simply desiring my loyalty, faithfulness, and affection.

“Come, let us return to the Lord!”  Hosea 6:1

Never the Same

It’s August. I can’t believe that it’s already August.

Nine weeks ago, I packed up my little blue Jetta (affectionately known as Donna) and drove to Lake Ann Camp.  I was so ready for camp, to see what God would do in the lives of campers of all ages.  I didn’t know how exactly I would be used, but I prayed all the way up there that I wouldn’t be the same coming back. In six day, I can confidently day that the Jenna leaving camp is not the same Jenna that drove onto the grounds.

I started the summer thinking that I would be posting every week of situations that blew my mind. I was sure I’d have an opportunity camper every week if not multiple in one week! I expected to cry with my campers reminding them that God has a plan and I didn’t have an answer for what they were going through. Yet instead of helping my campers through this, they helped me, which resulted in us growing in our relationship with Christ.

I was given an opportunity to serve Jesus by selflessly loving campers.  Every week, my campers asked me what I was going to do with my life when I grew up.  I told them general dreams: be a millionaire and adopt every orphan baby in the world, be a soccer mom with an awesome mini van, be a public speaker for teen girls, or teach in a hospital with chemo kids.  The girls would come up with further details about each dream and tell me how amazing it would be.  Yet every week, there was a girl who asked me, “But for real, what are you going to do when you’re done with camp and school?”  That was my cue to smile and say, “I have no idea.”

That’s the truth. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life after December 15th.  I will have an early childhood/ elementary education degree and no direction of where I need to go with it.  I could be a missionary. I could be a teacher in a Christian school. I could be a teacher in a public school. Or I could go in a totally different direction and go through the police academy.

As this summer wraps up, I’ve realized that I still struggle with control.  I’ve encouraged so many campers this summer to trust God and to let Him direct their lives.  To give over control. To stop doubting the God who created the world.  I’ve directed them to go to God in prayer about everything. Yet here I am focused on what is yet to come.  I doubt that God has it in control and freak out trying to get everything in order.  I don’t need to have it figured out.  God has opened many doors for me at the moment but the time for me to walk through a door has not arrived.  My control issues want me to choose a door now and focus on making that happen.  What if that door isn’t the door that is open the most? What if it’s really a glass sliding door that’s super clean? What if it’s a door with a screen that you can’t see until you’re up close?

God is faithful. If I had a penny for every time I’ve thought that, said that, and heard that, I really would be able to adopt all the babies in the world.  I believe that yet everyday I need God to help my unbelief. I don’t want to be concerned about what will happen to me but instead what will happen for Jesus.  I want to do hard things. I want to do dangerous things. I want to do boring things. I want to do cool things. I want to do longs things. I want to Love. I want to Live. For Jesus.

Today, at West Side Community Church, the pastor said, “Don’t let your perspective determine your reality.” Looks like I’ve just had a reality check. Time to continue the change. Last week of camp: make it the best week ever.

It’s a Choice

It’s International Happiness Day! I didn’t know that was a thing and, if I’m being totally honest, my day has been anything but happy.  Sin is a stupid thing. It only hurts us, others, and God. When sin is clearly chosen over doing what is right, it can be devestating. Watching people hurt makes me angry.  I get angry that I can’t always help and make it better. I get angry that the other person can be so selfish in choosing to hurt so many just so that they can be “happy.”  I’m angry that the individuals idea of happiness is so messed up.  But then I stop and think.

That individual is me everyday.

I choose sin over Christ constantly.  I may not kill someone with a bullet but I do use words that do the same thing. I give a facial expression that isn’t kind.  My thinking isn’t overtaken by Christ and His love.  Does Christ become angry at me? Does He ignore me when I choose selfishness? How can I be angry at someone who is choosing sin when I do the same thing? How do I withhold love when Jesus never even considers it and I owe Him EVERYTHING?

It’s hard to love when I’ve been hurt. It’s hard to love when you’ve been hurt.

The love Christ shows me daily is the same love that I need to choose to show others, even when they have hurt me. What does it look like? What does love look like towards people? Well, here are some Bible verses I’ve chosen to embrace and replace my anger with.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

The NIV states:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’

I love the way The Message words it as well:

“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.”

Instead of anger, I choose to encourage. I choose to care. I choose to not give up on the person. I choose to put others first. I choose to trust God. I choose Jesus.  I choose to accept the love and forgiveness that He freely gives me.

God Loves Me.

A random girl on campus (who I’m not even friends with but know of) told someone I’m friends with that I have changed a lot since last year.  And in a good way. All I thought when I heard that was “Thank You Lord.”  Change is hard. It took until early last semester to realize that I needed a change. That I was the problem, not the people around me.  I had been so focused on blaming other people and situations around me that I completely blocked God out.

In my Women Counseling Women class, Faye share a diagram with us that really hit home for me.

I was amazed at how true it was in my life.  I was all about making sure people knew I loved God. I was all about people loving me too.  If I’m being honest, I was more about people loving me than anything else. The crazy thing is that people didn’t love me. I’m pretty sure most people were annoyed at me and saw the desperate me. Desperate people are easy to spot (it usually looks like “look at me!” and “aren’t I just so funny”)  I didn’t get close to anyone because I didn’t want anyone to find out my struggle with me finding my identity in Christ.

When I decided that God’s love is greater than the love I could have for Him, (duh – that’s a no brainer) my thinking changed.  I wanted to know what He thought about my life.  I didn’t care about what Martha next door thought.  At least I cared less of what she thought (because my love language is totally words of affirmation). I slowly realized that pleasing people and just wanting everyone to love me was pointless. I don’t answer to people. Yes – there are people in authority that I answer to – but when it comes down to heart issues…it’s all going to God.  The more I study of how God loves me, the more I find myself satisfied in Him.  My friend Rachel said, “I’m satisfied,” when talking about being single at this point in her life. I agree. I am satisfied but I know that if God brought a Godly man into my life, I would be satisfied then too. Just in a different way. God is good. And oh how He loves me.

GOD LOVES ME.  And I love you. Love is a choice and I choose to love you. I choose to serve you because you are a part of my life.  I choose to love you even if I am not directly interacting with you by growing in my relationship with Jesus. I choose to have a good attitude when I serve you.  I choose to love Jesus and put Him above everything and everyone one in my life because that’s what He calls me to do.  I choose to accept God’s love for me. And I choose to show God’s love to you through what I do or don’t do.